Dating nowadays is hard if you are single, and even harder if you are already married and looking to have an affair…especially considering you are trying to do it with a few stolen moments away from the significant other. It also seems that in the sexy heyday of people who were looking to step out on their other half that they had the confidence of a honey badger. Now we hide behind our screen to date and it seems far from the key parties of yesterday, married dating has taken a strange turn, sometimes down a dark alley behind a dumpster into the arms of regret and bizarre requests. I could go my entire life without being propositioned to piss on someone’s face, but such is the game in the internet dating world. Online dating can be weird. Here are a few of my thoughts to the electronic people out there looking to get something extra for themselves and have a sexy and exciting affair on AshleyMadison.com but who don’t seem to know how to do it right:
You wouldn’t talk to a box with a question mark on it at a bar, or would you? It’s the 21st century. Everything has a camera, even my pop tart this morning came with a fitted camera and you probably have a million selfies, don’t even try to lie about it. Don’t be the person who wants to be liked for their personality. It isn’t attractive. It’s needy. Keep it simple and post a photo.
We get it that you don’t realise that what you are doing is a form of prostitution because you don’t know what that word means. But men who are married already pay for sex. They come to Ashley Madison to find affairs.
I say fuck you. If you send an email, you expect a response – it’s common decency. On AshleyMadison.com there is even an option to use the website stock replies. You don’t need to be creative; a rejection email is much preferable to an empty nothing, which leaves one’s already vulnerable thoughts dangling around them in an anxious haze. Be a decent human. Respond.
Please revise your typing abilities and get back to me. “Hey how r u wat u in2?” is not a sentence; it is a text message from a 12-year-old. “good. u? into?” is not a response. Work harder. You are a grown man. I am more likely to fuck a pomegranate than I am a deliberate illiterate. To the acronym users: when will you realise words are sexy? Using ‘VGL’ in fact makes you less good-looking, and ‘DTE’ actually means that you are so far from the surface of the earth that you are space junk, floating around aimlessly, ignored by all of mankind.
Please get a reality check. Every time you mention how good-looking you are, or how in shape you are, or how good a lover you are, or how hung you are, you are only reinforcing the fact that you are probably none of those things. There is a difference between confidence and assholery. To the body-obsessed men with nothing else to offer: this is sad and indicative of a boring persona. Your abs may be rock hard and your gym regime extensive, but the conversation you bring to the table will be tedious and the sex will probably be vain and dull. Also, I can’t clutch marble; give me some butter mounds.
Be bold in your choices. If your profile name is PigOutOnMyAsshole and your tagline is “Milk my prostate”, this paints a definitive picture of who you are and what you want, which is fine. But say I get an email with the subject line “Hello there!” and I am then asked normal questions such as “How are you, how was your day?”, I will find it harder to talk about how my brunch went if your username is TrufflePigMyVag69 or CumGuzzlerXX. If you are going to play all your cards like that, play them! Don’t pussy out and withhold halfway through.
Please don’t. I mean it. The only people asking to see your dick are the guys pretending to be girls. Real Women can wait to meet you before seeing your little buddy. I can’t reiterate this enough. If I am a female and I am talking to you I have already probably assumed you have one, and if I wanted to see dicks…well I could. A woman can see them whenever she wants. Anyway, do yourself a favour.. refrain from waving your dick around before you’ve even said hello.. if and when time comes a lucky lady will rip your pants off wanting to see it and all that it can do.