I speak on behalf of all the women of AshleyMadison.com and all the women I have ever discussed dating with. Here is a few of the things I have heard in the past years while talking DATING with women. This is an article written by me, completely defending their arguments and admitting that many many men do this… I hope these quick points will make you reflect on how you have been doing in the dating arena.
They hate men on online dating sites who say they are looking for “a woman who is just as comfortable in heels and a cocktail dress as they are in jeans and sneakers.” Guess what, less-attractive-Ryan Gosling, no one is comfortable in heels and a cocktail dress, okay? And if you don’t believe them, why don’t you squeeze into some Spanx and a pair of five inchers then trip the light fantastic. Within a couple hours your feet will bear a striking resemblance to Courtney Love’s vagina – all beat up and covered with blisters. And then they don’t want to hear it when you get home and you say you’re too tired for fisting.
They hate men who include a photo of their motorcycle in their profile. When they said they were interested in seeing that supreme machine between your legs, they weren’t referring to your Kawasaki Ninja 300. And speaking of bad online dating photos…
They hate when guys post a bathroom mirror-style selfie. What gives? Did your morning dump incite such glee, it inspired you to capture the moment on digital? Most modern day cameras have a self-timer, and better yet, most men they'd want to date have a friend who can take a photo of them. When they see a grainy, toilet-adjacent self-portraits, they suspect you are lazy and uncreative – and they can only assume this applies to your tongue, too.
They hate when men expect them to go halfsies on a first date. Yes, they realize it’s 2013 and feminism. But considering the funds dropped on makeup, haircuts, hair color, waxing, clothing, shoes and assjazzling (that’s a thing now, right?) just to look good for you – I think they’re ahead of you when it comes to the cash investment. And don’t get me started on the time factor. It takes you what, 10, 15 minutes to get ready? Maybe 30 if you’re Robert Pattinson? Yeah, they’ll need at least an hour and a half. And don’t tell them they don’t need all that time – yes, they do. Unless you want to sit across the table from Ugly Betty — before the makeover. So just pay for their damn wine and quit squawking about how they should at least do a fake wallet reach.
They hate men who pull their hair during sex. You not Tarzan and they not Jane. Just wait till the day you do this to a black girl. You’ll have a weave shoved so far up your ass you’ll have to make an emergency appointment with Dr. Stravinovich, proctologist-at-large.
They hate men who want them to call them “Daddy” in the bedroom. How and when did men get the impression that they wanted to bang their dads? Do they look like Soon Yi Previn? If they wanted to fuck their father, they’d blackmail Jon Hamm into adopting them.
They hate guys who won’t go down on them. Okay, in a way, I sympathize with them. It doesn’t sound terribly appealing to me either and truth be told, it is the primary reason that’s holding them back from lesbianism. But if you want them to enjoy their lovemaking (translation: if you ever want to see their coochie again), you better start licking, bub. It ain’t like your junk tastes like a fruit tart.