Kink Talk: Submissives in BDSM

There are myths about the BDSM submissive which are as prevalent as the general myths surrounding BDSM. We’ve heard them all before, the idea that everyone who is into BDSM has a dungeon full of whips and chains, but that’s not true at all. A submissive isn’t one specific type of person. To be submissive, you don’t need to like pain (although there are submissives who do) and they don’t always need to perform elaborate rites of submission in order to prove their devotion to their partners.

Being a submissive means you feel a strong need to belong to someone, which is something that many of us feel if we’re going to be honest. Submissives just take it to a another level when it comes to the way they are with their Dominants and Masters. When you’re looking into to becoming or finding a submissive, it’s easy to get caught up in the current hype. Everyone wants Fifty Shades of Grey without doing a bit more reading on the lifestyle. You want to learn as much as you can and not because there’s going to be a test at the end, but because those who are truly into BDSM know it’s so much more than a moody guy in a tie. You’re going to want to know what you’re getting into.

As a submissive, you can be pushed to your emotional and physical limits and you need to have at least an idea of what those limits are. A good Dominant isn’t going to force you to do anything you truly don’t want to do and they’ll respect you. It’s easier if you know some limits before you start—and remember, these can change and evolve with the relationship over time. Even for those who practice degradation and humiliation, there is a deep undercurrent of both respect and trust between the Master or Dom and their submissive. If your partner is submissive, you need to make sure that you’re treating them properly. Part of the role of the Dominant is taking care of their submissive, so throw away any idea of someone who is doing everything for you and that you can just disregard.

Dominants and Masters are very in tune with the needs of their submissives as they are trusting their Dom or Master enough to submit to them in the first place. It’s not something that can be taken lightly. There are responsibilities to both parties and it is important that both of you understand what you are doing to avoid miscommunication.

Respect your submissives and they will respect you. You can’t demand respect simply because the other person is a submissive.

Submissives show their devotion in many different ways. There are some who act out through insubordination—and take the punishment they earn, there are some who show their undying devotion, and some who serve in silent obedience. What type of submissive you are is a process of self-discovery and you can’t let anyone rush you through that or try to take it away from you.

As a submissive you have rights and an great amount of power. You should also have a safe word. If you ever meet a Dominant who doesn’t want to use a safe word at least in the beginning, then you might want to question your involvement with them simply because the safe word is one of the key ways for submissives to protect themselves as trust is built. They are able to stop any session or scene with a single word and any Dominant or Master who won’t respect that most likely won’t be able to respect your other boundaries.

Remember that BDSM isn’t something that you just pick up and then put down if you’re looking to do it seriously. It’s a lifestyle and just like most people wouldn’t pick up and move across the country without looking into where they were going, you want to make sure that you’re not going into the lifestyle without the necessary roadmap and well-planned route.

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