When someone sucks in bed, there are always signs. There are the overt signs like greasy hair and bad breath, but there are also smaller tics that you can notice even from afar. You don’t need to know the size of someone’s package or see them naked to know these things either, so let’s play Sherlock and deduce some ways to tell that someone is not going to give you a great orgasm in bed.
5. The guy who has something to prove
Everyone’s seen a man driving around in a fancy car and heard the old adage that he’s compensating for something. Well, he probably is. This doesn’t mean penis size necessarily, it could be confidence or mommy issues, we really don’t know and honestly, we don’t care enough to know. The guys at the intersection who are blasting their music with the windows down so you can hear his beats or who revs his engines all the time are guys to avoid. You get noticed if you have an awesome car just by having an awesome car and show boating just makes you look like an ass.
Show offs are just not people that you want to have in bed with you. All the world’s a stage and if the spotlight isn’t on them, then these men will start to have withdrawal symptoms. You aren’t a partner to them, but a conquest, an accessory. You look good in his car and are patient enough to put up with his constant cries for attention, but don’t think for one moment that when he brags to his bros that he’ll be talking about how good you are. Oh no, it will be all about how awesome he is for scoring a bedroom touchdown.
4. The girl who is constantly checking her hair
Ladies, we know that you love your hair. Men love your hair too. Other women love your hair. Female hair is just a wonderful, amazing and beautiful thing which people should be in more awe of. Have you ever seen the Herbal Essence commercials? That is hair porn, right there (and we’re not even talking about the ones where they fake orgasms in the shower). As much as we love hair though, there are limits and we’ve all seen the woman who is constantly worried about her hair. We’re not talking about someone who checks it once in awhile. That’s normal. Just a quick little check and we’re done. No, we’re talking about the woman for whom every slightly reflective surface becomes a mirror which she can use to check herself out. Windows, spoons, her reflection in your eyes all become mirrors so she can make sure that she’s still 100% as hot as when she came in.
But a woman who is this concerned about their appearance isn’t going to be in the mood for doing anything fun and spontaneous. She’ll freak out if you roll down the window in your car, so do you really think that she’s going to let you slip it in the back door or do anything that will muss up her hair and make-up? There won’t be any of those great messy moments that come along with sex and even working up a sweat will come way too close to damaging her hair. In fact, if you make the mistake of getting a hotel room with mirrors on the wall she’ll probably spend most of the sex making sure that her make-up is on right.
3. People who block seats on the subway/public transportation
We’ve all seen them. The subway is packed and there is this man or woman sitting on the seat closest to the aisle. There’s a perfectly good seat beside the window, but they’re blocking it and will make a big deal about getting up to let you in if you ask them. Or worse, they’ve got a bag on it. The supposed signal that they think they’re sending out is that they’d rather not sit next to anyone, but the real signal that everyone else is getting is that this person is gigantic jerk. They don’t care about the woman trying to shush her baby or the old man who is holding onto the railing for dear life so he doesn’t fall down and break a hip and they care even less about you.
During sex this ice princess (or prince) is more than likely to focus on themselves. If you can even get near enough to touch them, there is a focus only on their orgasm. On what they want and what their boundaries are. Think that you’re going to get a chance to get in what you want from your sexual experiences? There’s not a snowball’s chance in hell. If they can’t do the simple courtesy of sitting next to a person what makes you think that they’re going to go out of their way to accommodate you in the most intimate act that human beings can do together?
2. People who say they never watch porn
Well first off, they’re liars. Okay, okay. That might be a bit much, but in the age of the internet, anyone who has a computer and is over the age of twenty who says they’ve never seen porn in any way, shape or form, is lying. It’s much more common for females to say that they don’t watch it than for males to say that they don’t (unless they’re trying to impress a woman), but when they adopt that shocked expression and proudly exclaim that they’ve never watched pornography, ditch them because they’re either lying or part of some sort of cult.
Porn is great. It has its problems, no one is denying that, but it is also amazing and for all its faults, is a great way to explore sexual preferences without having to go through trial and error with an affair partner. Someone who doesn’t want to admit that they’ve ever watched a single second of pornography is so tightly wound up that they’re living in another universe. They’re ashamed of sex. You don’t need to find someone who will flash you whenever you want (although that would be awesome), but open-mindedness and a certain comfort level when it comes to sexual practices are needed for a good partner.
1. People who use LOL away from their keyboards
OMG, I bet you weren’t expecting this to be number one. Internet slang has found its way into every level of our online lives. This is to be expected, but when it carries over when you’re away from the keyboard this is when it becomes a problem. You don’t see people saying “semi-colon, right side bracket” when they want to wink at you or describe the emoticon for flipping a table rather than just getting up and doing it themselves. So when you hear someone say LOL in a way that’s not sarcastic, avoid that person like the plague.
Why? They don’t need to use text to express themselves when they’re seeing you in person. They can just laugh.
People who use LOL away from their keyboards are not only lacking in basic schooling, but they lack even the lowest levels of creativity that the rest of us use to express ourselves. There is nothing sexy about internet slang. It was created to save time and to make up for the lack of tone and body language when explaining something over text. So don’t expect a fantastic time in bed because anyone who uses internet slang while not on the internet is obviously a couple fries short of a Happy Meal and won’t be able to stretch their mind beyond insert, thrust, repeat. It will be the dead fish experience that you’ve never dreamed of and considering the type of person they are, they probably won’t even have the decency to shut up with their inane chatter while you’re doing it.