Two young women enjoying the company of a young man for a possible threesome in the back of a limo.

How to Plan a Successful Threesome

One of the most popular ways to spice things up in a relationship is to dip your toes in the  exciting world of non-monogamy by inviting a third person to join you in a threesome for your next encounter.

Whether you’re a couple seeking a third on websites like Ashley Madison or a guest star looking for a couple to join, there are some key things you should know before you give a ménage à trois a try.

Terminology

The first step is to familiarize yourself with these common terms used by the swinging community:

  • Swinger: Someone who enjoys sex with people who are not their significant others (SO).
  • Soft swap: When two couples “swap” partners for everything but intercourse.
  • Full swap: When two couples “swap” for everything up to and including intercourse.
  • Triad: Sometimes referred to as a throuple, a relationship of three equal partners.
  • MFM: Two males and one female, while FMF is two females and one male. This tends to be what most men think of when the topic of a threesome is brought up.
  • Cuckold/Cuckqueen: A person involved in a threesome who will not receive sexual pleasure/favors. (A cuckold is a man, a cuckqueen is a woman.)
  • Exhibitionist: Someone who enjoys being watched while having sex.
  • Voyeur: A person involved in the sexual activity as a fly on the wall. Typically, if there is recording to be done you want a voyeur to be the one doing it.
  • Unicorn: A bisexual woman who has sex with already established couples, referred to as a unicorn because they are so rare.
  • Unicorn Hunter: A couple looking for the elusive unicorn, with their own set of (sometimes limiting) requirements.

What to discuss before you start looking

Threesomes can be fantastic, you need to lay the groundwork first. You need to have a frank discussion with your partner about what exactly you both want. Some questions you will want to discuss are:

  • Are we looking for a one-time thing, or do we want to date this person?
  • Do we want someone we’ve never met before or do we already know someone to ask? (Tread lightly with this.)
  • Are we secure enough in our commitment to each other to invite another person into the bedroom? Is this just a fantasy that should stay as a fantasy?
  • What gender are we looking for? Are either of us bisexual or bi-curious?

Whatever you do, a threesome should never be a surprise for anyone. Even when you meet your third on an anything-goes site like Ashley Madison, your first threesome with a new partner will be a little awkward no matter what. Don’t add to the awkwardness by planning it without the knowledge of your partner. You and your partner may have a number of sexual fantasies, so talk them through together and you might be pleasantly surprised to find out what they’ve been wanting to try.

Suggestions for getting over hang ups

A big issue for many people—especially when the clothes come off—is their own self esteem and confidence with their body. Men mostly worry about the size of their penis and sexual stamina while women are generally concerned about their weight and breast size.

Even if your partner reassures you repeatedly that you are desirable, there’s a good chance that you still have doubts about yourself because you’re human. There is no foolproof way to learn how to love yourself and your own body, but what many people have found helpful is to try to stop comparing yourself to others. Whenever you see an image and you think, “Wow, they’re gorgeous!” simply adjust that thought by thinking, “I am also gorgeous.”

Although it may take time, studies in neuroplasticity show that you can create new thought patterns of self-love and kindness. You need to make sure you love yourself well enough to not be threatened by others before inviting someone into your bedroom.

Wording for your profile

If you and your partner have discussed the pros and cons of a threesome and are ready to go forward, the next step is to write an online profile and let others know what you’re looking for.

DO write about what your expectations are, who you are as a couple, what experiences you bring to the table, and why you want to have a threesome. Include pictures of both of you!

DO NOT overemphasize how insignificant the third person is, how they will NEVER come between the two of you (even if that is the case), and do not speak disrespectfully of anyone unless you are looking for a cuckold/cuckqueen situation. The person that you are looking for also has wants and needs, all of which should be open for discussion when you meet them.

If a threesome is one of your top fantasies, you owe it to yourself to plan correctly and take your time to find the right person and the right chemistry. Start your sexploration slowly by browsing profiles on a non-judgmental hookup site.

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2 Comments
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